A couple weeks ago, Chris and I went to a concert. Blue October, only my favorite group. Their music is straight from the heart- raw, emotional, honest. Anyway. During this concert, Justin, the lead singer, played the song "Bleed Out". Before, he explained that he had written this song for his wife- more specifically, from her point of view. At this time, he had lost custody of his young daughter from his first marriage. He was in the throws of deep depression, as well as other mental illness he has suffered from most of his life. After hearing the meaning behind the song, I heard it in a very different way. I know this probably sounds strange, and perhaps even incomprehensible to those of you who aren't living through what I am. But this song hit me in a very hard way. While the circumstances are very different, in many ways I could relate it to my own life. Check out the video, it's a beautiful song.
As caregivers, we often forget to take time out for ourselves. There always comes a time when you feel like you just can't continue on. Yet somehow we still keep giving even when we have nothing left to give. This song is about that. It starts out
"Close my eyes
Feel you sigh
A desperate aching wonder
Will you ever, ever let me off my knees"
The thing is, we see the disorder, disease- whatever it may be- as the enemy. It's not our loved one causing the pain, it's the epilepsy. I know I find myself at times crying out to God wondering how much more I can take, begging him to take it all away. It beats you down, wears you out over and over again.
I gave it all
But you can't stop taking from me
And way down I know
You know where to cut me
With your eyes closed
It won't be long
Til this heart stops beating
So don't let me
Bleed out here alone
Hear my plea
You won't hear my plea"
As soon as I heard this song from this perspective, it pierced my heart. To me, it's speaking to the illness itself, not the person it's affecting. And it is so raw, to true. It takes everything out of you, even when you have nothing left to give.
I felt it was worth sharing this song. Check it out.