Tuesday, December 23, 2014

The Good News

I have a piece of good news.  A while ago we reached out to numerous foundations in the effort to raise money for Luna.  We have now actually started her training, about two weeks ago.  And then a week ago we found out that one of the foundations, Friends Rescued Animal Network, sent a $5000 check to the trainer.  That is a HUGE weight lifted, and we are so incredibly thankful.  We still have a long way to go, but I needed to share that news.

Actually, the past couple months have brought us good news.  And I have to say, we have desprately needed good news.  Chris is finally getting in to see one of the top epileptologists in the state.  For those of you who don't know, an epileptologist is a neurologist who specializes in, and has specialized training for, Epilepsy.  Colorado actually has a lot of great epileptologists; we are lucky for that.  They usually aren't easy to get in to see, however.  The process for getting Luna's training has gone smoothly.  Than a couple weeks ago we found out that, pending a test, I will be converted to a full-time regular career employee at work.  And I have to say that very few people leave my work once becoming a career employee.  The bad news is I do have to work Christmas day once again.  I'm off Friday, though, so we are having our Christmas then.  We usually manage to make the best of things.  Sometimes you just really don't have a choice.  

I'm so thankful for all our good news this year and for the people in my life.  It is a struggle often, but life is beautiful.  

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Bleed Out

A couple weeks ago, Chris and I went to a concert.  Blue October, only my favorite group.  Their music is straight from the heart- raw, emotional, honest.  Anyway.  During this concert, Justin, the lead singer, played the song "Bleed Out". Before, he explained that he had written this song for his wife- more specifically, from her point of view.  At this time, he had lost custody of his young daughter from his first marriage.  He was in the throws of deep depression, as well as other mental illness he has suffered from most of his life.  After hearing the meaning behind the song, I heard it in a very different way.  I know this probably sounds strange, and perhaps even incomprehensible to those of you who aren't living through what I am.  But this song hit me in a very hard way.  While the circumstances are very different, in many ways I could relate it to my own life.  Check out the video, it's a beautiful song.

As caregivers, we often forget to take time out for ourselves.  There always comes a time when you feel like you just can't continue on. Yet somehow we still keep giving even when we have nothing left to give.  This song is about that.  It starts out

"Close my eyes
Feel you sigh
A desperate aching wonder
Will you ever, ever let me off my knees"

The thing is, we see the disorder, disease- whatever it may be- as the enemy.  It's not our loved one causing the pain, it's the epilepsy.  I know I find myself at times crying out to God wondering how much more I can take, begging him to take it all away.  It beats you down, wears you out over and over again.
"Will I
Bleed out
I gave it all
But you can't stop taking from me
And way down I know
You know where to cut me
With your eyes closed
Bleed out
It won't be long

Til this heart stops beating
So don't let me
Bleed out here alone
Hear my plea
You won't hear my plea"

As soon as I heard this song from this perspective, it pierced my heart.  To me, it's speaking to the illness itself, not the person it's affecting.  And it is so raw, to true.  It takes everything out of you, even when you have nothing left to give. 

I felt it was worth sharing this song.  Check it out.